The new Whole Foods freaks me out.

So here's my thing. The new 80,000 sq. ft. Whole Foods Market at Sixth & Lamar seriously freaks me out. I mean, first of all it's just plain huge. And it's always swarming with these... people. And there's all this... stuff. And it's just... so... damn... HUGE.

I've braved it three times now. It still gives me the heebie-jeebies. And I have yet to find the all-natural doughnuts.

Now, granted, the first time I went was a.) the day after the grand opening, b.) a Friday night, c.) at the end of an incredibly tough day that was d.) prefaced by my second all-nighter that week. It was insane, and I fled in terror almost immediately. My second visit was the middle of the following week, half an hour before closing. It was less insane, and I gotta say the chocolate mousse helped. But whenever one of the oh-so-cheerful employees asked me, "How are you today, sir?" I could only answer "I'm freaking out!" This happened about twelve times. And lemme tell ya, those employees were freaking out, too -- even though they had clearly been trained not to show it. (I almost got the bagger at checkout to admit it, though.)

My third visit, this past Saturday afternoon, I was more prepared, in the best possible company, and tried to focus on finding my happy place -- the bakery. My thoroughly comforting companion and I then happened to run into former Governor Ann Richards (I of course said hi), and then retired to the roof garden for a lovely chocolate picnic. I had finally found peace.

But then I couldn't find my car in the parking garage.

Anyway, Sandra Bullock was raving about the place to Letterman mere hours ago, but then she's probably just a better adjusted person than I am. So read the new Newsweek and recent USA Today feature stories, check the webcam, study the map, take a deep breath and go experience it for yourself.

But please let me know where the hell I can find those damn doughnuts.

P.S.: I found the doughnuts this afternoon... and they're fantastic.